Our Doctor knows me well-as he should. He is the same doctor that delivered my brother and I and now we use him as our family practitioner for the boys too. He tried really hard to not alarm me or freak me out, but his efforts were futile.
Everything checked out great for the most part. Except for two things.
He came in and looked at all of the measurements from the nurse and quickly got out the measuring tape again that the nurse had put away. He measured Cameron's head a second time and sat and looked at the computer for a while.
Since he was just sitting there I began telling him about how Cameron had been going cross eyed a few times a day. He had told me last time that a lot of newborns do that, but not frequently and we have been noticing it a few times a day but didn't think much of it since the doctor had told us it was normal. He said that it could be nothing and then sat and looked at his computer some more.
I finally asked "Is there something wrong?" I just knew he was going to say "Nope, just in my own world over here" but he didn't. He said that Cameron's head isn't growing at the same rate as the rest of him. I just sat and looked at him totally clueless to what this could mean. He said that it was probably nothing and that it could change in the next few months, but to be proactive we needed to make an appointment with a Pediatric Neurologist and get everything checked out. He said it would take a few months to get an appointment with the Neurologist because there are so few of them, but that if there was something wrong it would still be soon enough to take care of it.
At this point I was still doing OK. Then I started thinking. This is our old cowboy Doctor that typically brushes everything off and tells me everything is fine and goes on. I was beginning to have a little anxiety but trying not to show it.
He began to wrap up the appointment and then turned to me and said "Under no circumstances should you go look online at what all of this could mean. It will just scare you to death."
UMMMMM WHAT???? What in the world am I supposed to think now? I really got freaked out at this point and probably gave him the deer in headlights look.
I got back to the office and did good for a few hours. But it was just festering in me. I am not the type of person that can just go blindly into anything. I have to be prepared for everything. I have to have a plan. I HAVE TO KNOW!
Well you have no idea how badly I wish I had been able to take his advice and let it go. I wish I could have forced myself to not think about it and just shrug it off, but of course I didn't do that.
I went to google and now I am sitting at my computer crying scared out of my mind. This is what I learned about possible reasons for an underdeveloped head in a newborn:
*The brain has not developed properly or has stopped growing.
*It is associated with Down’s syndrome, chromosomal syndromes, and neurometabolic syndromes.
*May have mental retardation, delayed motor functions and speech, facial distortions, dwarfism or short stature, hyperactivity, seizures, difficulties with coordination and balance, and other brain or neurological abnormalities.
I feel a little ridiculous sitting at work crying about something that may not even be a problem. The Doctor said it could be nothing. It could go away on it's own and we are just going to make sure he is OK, but now I'm even more scare than before. I thought knowing the possibilities would make me feel better, but the possibilities are so awful.
I just want my baby to be OK. GOD please let him be OK. PLEASE pray for him. Please! And please pray for me. I need to be able to put this out of my mind and not obsess over it every second. I don't know what I am going to do if we can't get in to see the neurologist for months and I have this looming over us. I don't know what I will do if something is wrong with him. He is such a perfect little baby. He is so beautiful and such a blessing to us.
So please once again, if you pray, please pray for my baby and my family. I am going to try hard to be strong and put this out of my mind until we know something concrete.
I hope that at the appointment we find out he is perfect and nothing is wrong and then I can feel like a complete idiot for getting this upset.
7 comments:
I am not going to tell you to just brush it aside. I know that no mom can do that. It sounds like your faith gives you a lot of strength. Try to use this to help with your stress. You obviously love your child and no matter what, you are going to get through this and be the best mom for Cameron. I encourage you to talk to those people who are your support system. Sometimes telling other people your thoughts and fears is a really good stress reliever.
Your little one is in my prayers
I am so sorry to hear that. I will pray for you. I will tell you that the same thing happened to my niece and she is fine. She just has a small head just like her mom. They looked into and nothing is wrong. I know it probably doesn't help.
oh jess! i'll be praying for you guys!
ask your doctor about possibly having it done some place other than Waco. for AK's cardiologist stuff we were sent to a doctor in Waco and he totally botched the test because he wasn't a pediatric cardiologist so we have always seen a doctor in Austin. maybe you can get in sooner in a bigger city. Let me know how it all goes!
I hope you can get in fast... I know you will worry nonstop, that is how we moms are programmed, but I am sure everything is fine! I will keep you and your sweet little guy in my thoughts and prayers! HUGS!!
I'm so sorry, sweetie. Hopefully nothing is wrong. Babies change and grow differently. I will keep your family in my thoughts! hang in there!
I will keep little Cameron and you in my prayers for sure!
People often post problems on the internet chats. Imagine how many people were scared from a small head, nothing came of it, then nothing was written about it. The little boy I babysit for started getting a little crosseyed when he was around 3 months. He started wearing glasses about 2 months ago and his eyes are totally normal now.
Don't worry. It doesn't make anything better, only worse. Everything will work out!
I will definitely keep Cameron and your family in my prayers.
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